I am just back from 10 days in Japan. This trip was part of a commitment I made to my nephew when he was a little boy to take him any place in the world he wanted to go when he turned 16. I expected the trip would be his introduction to the larger world. I did not expect that it would remind me that it is a lot easier to give advice than to follow it.
In my coaching practice I have worked with clients regarding problems that can develop around expectations. In this case I am referring to our expectations on how others should act or perform their jobs or respond to situations or just “be” at work. An early example from my leadership career involved a woman employee who I was very high on. I felt she demonstrated good leadership instincts and she was very dedicated to her job. Translation: she worked hard and put in long hours to get the work done, which was clearly my personal bias and style.
My expectation was that she would want to advance her career and take on more responsibility and work. Since I never inquired whether this was her goal or interest I was operating from my view of the world, looking at it through my “lenses.” Ultimately I nearly burned her out and learned the lesson that what I want may not be what others want.
So for my trip to Japan I told myself I had no expectations of my nephew or the trip, that it would be whatever way it was going to be. I now can’t believe I believed this! We always have expectations, silent or voiced. My expectations on how he was going to behave were dashed almost immediately and until I was honest with myself, took a hard look at my expectations and worked to get past them, the trip was pretty rocky.
The good news is that when I truly abandon my expectations and let him be they way he wanted to be (and didn’t create a story about it) the trip was smoother and much more enjoyable. I had a great time and it was wonderful to get to know my nephew better and myself.
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